Saturday, March 23, 2013

Trust God within

I have learned that when I trust the signals within me, life flows smoothly. God loves all of us and we are all guided, but we have to stop second guessing ourselves. I see this in action in my life all the time. The last time I was outdoors in Sedona, I was busy enjoying my day when all of the sudden I got a very clear feeling that I needed to get in the car and start driving home. It was unmistakable. One minute I was paying attention to the blue sky and fresh air, the next it felt like a magnet was drawing me back to the car. I hesitated for just a few minutes because I really wanted to stay. However, when I checked in again, there was no denying the sensation. I got in the car and got on the highway.

Traffic was magically easy until I was just north of Phoenix. Suddenly, ahead of me a camper began to spew white smoke and swerve. The cars in front of me began to brake and swerve. By some miracle the camper got off the highway and I stayed on it. I could see traffic beginning to pile up behind me and knew this was going to be one of those long traffic jams caused by drivers who need to slow down and gawk at an accident. I thanked God that I had started home when I did. Had I listened without any hesitation at all, I would have missed the entire drama. When God warns you, there is no fear, very little thought, and only a strong sense of "I need to do this now."

The same principles apply when you are wondering whether or not you can trust other people. Years ago I was one of those individuals who trusted everyone else instead of trusting the voice of God within myself. I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and saw only the good in them. I ignored the rest. I saw the darkness, but filtered it out because I didn't want to see it. I spent most of my thirties learning – the hard way – to trust myself. This lesson, in the late nineties, was particularly impactful.

I had decided to spend a week in Sedona for a birthday vacation alone. I love quiet time with God and nature. Nothing fills my soul as dearly as a warm sunshine, flowing water, the smell of the trees, or the blue sky above. So I was slightly irritated when a man interrupted my meditation on a mesa to hit on me. He seemed nice enough. His resume seemed impressive. But my gut felt tight and unsettled, clearly telling me this would not be a fun experience. So when he invited me for tea after my meditation I politely declined. Still irritated, I went back to my hotel room an wrote a spontaneous poem entitled "Find Yourself. " That should have been my first clue. Nonetheless, I kept running into him in subsequent days, and by the third time I talked myself out of my initial feelings and agreed to go out with him. Thus began one of the most painful lessons I have ever created.

I drove north twice a week and turned a blind eye to the fact that although he claimed loyalty, he cheated on me the minute I was out of town. I felt it in my stomach, and didn't want to feel it. I saw behaviors I didn't like but didn't want to see them. I made excuses for him and reasoned away my feelings. I started to feel bad about myself. I had never worried about my looks but I started to feel ugly. When the truth finally came out, he dumped me and took off on a trip with another woman the very next day. I cried. I punched pillows. For months, I prayed with my entire being to be rid of the anger. Almost a year later, when nothing else had worked, the angels finally sent me to seek him out and ask for an apology. I don't know why but I was terrified. This man, in my not-yet-evolved opinion, had stolen my innocence and trust. He had lied, cheated, and abused my good nature. I later found out that he had dabbled in sorcery and was sending me some pretty nasty energy. "God is with you," the angels told me. "Now go do this. You will understand later"

I walked into his shop, looked him in the eye, and simply said, "Remember me?" He looked startled. "You lied to me. You cheated on me. If you had just been honest I could have made an informed decision. I can't make healthy decisions for myself, when people lie. It was wrong. I want an apology." Surprisingly, my voice was calm. I felt the angels in my heart. My eyes locked with his. Suddenly as he was apologizing, I started to feel like I was spinning. I was looking into his eyes but I knew in that instant they were mine too. I was not asking him for an apology. I was asking the part of me that had lied to myself for an apology. We were one in that instant. He was just an out-picturing of me. In that instant I felt nothing but love for him. I thanked him, drove away, then parked the car, and allowed tears of relief to flow freely. He was forgiven, but more importantly, so was I.

When you are wondering who and what to trust, distance yourself from everything for a bit. If you can, get outside or at least find a restful place where you can be alone, away from other influences. Take a few deep breaths, and simply ask, "What do I feel in my heart of hearts?" Don't ask, "What do I think? What do others think? What should I think? What should I do?" but rather, "What does my heart feel." Here I am not talking about our resistance but rather our true feelings. Last weekend when I was rushing around, I did want to rest. I got the guidance to rest. I ignored it and learned.

What you feel in your hearts of hearts in each moment – for that moment – is your guidance from God. Trust that. Then you won't have to worry about whether or not you should trust anyone else. It will become a point unworthy of discussion. You will simply know what is right for you. When I trust the loving voice of God within, my life is pure magic! You have that wisdom too.