Saturday, September 08, 2012

Letting go of old patterns

After I made myself sick last month I had to take a good hard look at some feelings I'd been stuffing again. After going to my favorite shaman/chiropractor to help get my energy unknotted and moving again, the emotions started moving rapidly as well. As if a burst of water was released from a dam deep within me, I felt a holy rage rise up inside me, within hours after the session. Thankfully I had time alone and the presence of mind to work this out by myself!

I felt as if someone had pulled a thread on a sweater and all the upsets of my life were pouring out of my body from a very deep level. I felt upset about the doctor who gave me bad information and charged me $180, and every other service provider in the past who had taken my money without doing their job correctly. I felt old angers about people who had wronged me. I felt upset that my dog, who I love deeply, adores me when she gets what she wants, but glares at me as if I am an evil princess when she does not get what she wants! I felt upset at everyone who had ever taken advantage of me. The emotions kept pouring out of me, like poison, so I did what I always do, which is to journal like crazy then shred the pages. I needed to clear the pipes! At long last after a lot of prayer, meditation, and just taking time outside, the stream of frustrations finally subsided.

I realized that I had simply uncorked a load of frustration at myself for attracting such situations and worse, carrying them around inside me all this time! And I knew, because it always works this way that I would get another chance to experience such a situation and learn to somehow handle it differently. It didn't take long for the opportunity to arise.

When I called an electrician to come out and do some work, I was excited. The furniture was moved away from the walls and it was time to replace all my ancient wiggly outlets. Some of them were so bad, the plugs wouldn't stay in. It was the perfect time. I had hired other electricians in the past and knew the ballpark rates and had saved up. So I nearly cried when the man who arrived quoted me a rate about three times higher than what I had expected or paid in the past.

Here was my opportunity. He was knowledgeable, kind, and had driven over an hour to do the estimate. I knew he was good and would guarantee his work. But the bottom line was that it was more than I could pay. I politely declined and it occurred to me to dig out an old receipt and call a company I'd worked with years ago. The man I worked with was gone, but they sent another. He got the job done and charged me a reasonable rate. All was well.

The lessons didn't stop there. This man offered me a good price on doing some other work I needed. I didn't feel the same confidence in him for the second job, but agreed to it because he was kind. When I don't listen to my guidance, I get a lesson. I've been living with a tripping circuit breaker and doing without hot water for several days now as a result. Thankfully cold showers during the hot summer aren't that bad :)!

In the past I would have beat myself up royally for not listening to my own feelings, but I AM teaching a class called "Radical Self Love" next week and knew this was yet another opportunity to practice what I preach. "Ok, God! I am not going to beat myself up. I just want this fixed. I'd also like a refill for the money I spent, because I'm not going to punish myself with lack for bad decisions. Its over and behind me. Guide me and refill the coffers." I got my guidance and a check in the mail that I wasn't expecting that paid for the work that didn't work out so well.

So by the time you read this, my house, my breakers, and ME will have been wired correctly! Releasing old patterns indeed!!!

I have been challenged be this deeply honest with everyone in my life this year. I have had to tell people I could not do what they wanted. I have had to ask for more help and favors than ever before. And happily as those old patterns of belief that it is better to put my own needs to the side in order to serve others leave my psyche, I have been able to serve the true needs for others more clearly. The readings have gotten even clearer. In my personal life I am speaking a truth that comes from my spirit rather than my ego, and as a result I am serving the souls rather than the egos of those around me.

So yes, it is a time of releasing and it isn't always easy to break old habits, but it is freeing and joyful to do so... and don't forget to love yourself through it :)

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