Saturday, February 26, 2011

Time to slow down

As you can imagine, now that my dog is in heaven and the gazillion loads of wash are done, I'm starting to finally wind down from a year of being on-call with my aging wolf dog duties! Last week when all my have-to-do duties were done I realized I felt a little lost. Without having to rush to care for someone, without laundry, and pee pee pads, medications, etc... I wasn't sure what to do! Worse yet, I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do! I do know from my work that this is a normal sensation after you lose someone, but I didn't like not being able to feel my own heart, so I set about fixing that immediately.

I got all my weekend work done early so I could have a few days with no plans, no structure, no commitments, and little outside interaction. It was time for me to reconnect with myself. Funny how when you are on overdrive, although you desperately want time off, the minute you get it, you don't know what to do! And so when my alarm rang after a wonderful night's sleep on Saturday morning, I made myself lie in bed, breathe, and did some Reiki on myself. I meditated and then sat and asked myself... "What do I WANT to do? Right now?"

The answer surprised me. I wanted to put on my beautiful music, grab a book and a cup of tea and read in bed with the window open to the rain, the curtains blowing in the breeze, and Lucy, my labrador, seated right next to me. Within minutes, I was in cozy heaven! I remembered who I was, beyond spiritual teacher, counselor, etc. I was a female who needed creature comforts, inspiration, nature, and beauty. After an hour of such bliss, suddenly the urge to clean the closets hit in a big way. Pretty soon I was up to my elbows in clothes that didn't fit and happily making piles to go to the thrift store. I felt like I was starting to breathe again and my home was too. The entire weekend continued this way... me doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it. I got a lot accomplished in no particular order and even had time Sunday night to clean house, answer emails, and channel this newsletter - more than I usually get done when I "try" to do my "to do" lists! Even pre-meopausal brain-fry which often has me forgetting why I walked across the room (!) didn't seem to matter much. I was living in the moment again, guided by the heart, and life once again started to flow.

So no matter how crazy life gets, at the first possible moment, return to living by heart. Carve out a little time to slow down, breathe, and check in with yourself to see what you really want to do. Everything centers on our hearts. The minute we get back in touch with them life starts moving more gracefully. I got so much done I can't believe it and yet I did not feel rushed, pressured, or even like I was working. Heaven on earth is created one moment at a time, one choice at a time, as we align with our own hearts.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Loving ourselves as our neighbor

Thank you AGAIN for all the love you have been sending me. It feels wonderful. And happily so does the ever present soul of my dog who is showing me on a daily basis that there is a reason "God" and "Dog" are made of the very same three letters! Bruno taught me so much during the final year of his life. THis sweet and gentle soul turned into such a cantankerous spirit. Thankfully most of the time I was able to see past the stubbornness, the hollering, and the tantrums and know that he was just a proud spirit who really hated dealing with the physical limitations of his aging body. At times I lost it but more often I was able to really be sweet to him and take care of him and give him huge overdoses of love, until, in stages, he surrendered to the process of his metamorphosis.

I'll never forget when he finally surrendered to allowing me to help him up, rather than howling in mad frustration and banging his head when he fell back down. He sat there one day, hollering at me, "Come get me," and when he saw me running down the hallway, he smiled and waited sweetly for my assistance. Helping him rather than watching him struggle, although physically challenging, was emotionally satisfying because I wanted to share my love. I wanted to assist him. I didn't want to be turned away. The closer we got to the end of his physical life, the more deeply we both surrendered to the situation at hand, and the sweeter and more deeply we fell in love.

Now that he is on the "other side" I no sooner think of him with love or humor, that my entire body heats up. I kept his paws warm when he was old and cold, and now when I shiver, I feel his energy warming up my hands. He liked to put the top of his head on my heart when he was in body. Now I feel his spirit putting his heart on the top of my head. It is as if, I am now the cherished pet and the one being cared for. This has truly been a remarkable two weeks and I'm looking forward to even more love and interaction as we both continue our soul's journey on other sides of the proverbial veil.

So when any being (furry or human!) is difficult and you must be around them, choose the only things that really work. Love yourself first and take care of yourself, set good boundaries when you can, and then realize that they are just scared, lonely, tired, angry, frustrated, or in need of acknowledgment and understanding. That doesn't mean you have to take on their pain, fix them, or martyr yourself. There were nights I was too tired to give in to my dog's tantrums and he had to sit where he landed and holler for a few hours while I got some sleep. There were times when he wanted his snacks NOW and I had other things to do first. He didn't like it, and I didn't particularly like being hollered at. However, it wasn't about me, and by taking care of myself first to the best of my ability, I was able to be more loving and caring for him as well.

Two days before he died, I went up north for some fresh air. I knew his ending on earth was near but I was desperately in need of a little time off. I had not planned any, and yet I woke up on a non-client day, the angels suggested very strongly I take a little time off. As I peeked out the curtains right before getting in the car, I clearly heard Bruno say to Lucy (my remaining girl dog), "We finally got rid of her!" They were smiling like two conspirators! As a result of my day off I was able to be fully present for him a space of unconditional love in all my spare time during his last two days on earth. It was after I finally took care of myself that he gave me permission to have the vet assist him to the other side. He was teaching me to remain in balance no matter what. I give thanks every day for his teachings, and I hope in sharing them with you, those of you taking care of others will also learn to care for yourselves as well. We can only "love our neighbors" as much as we choose to love ourselves :)

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Dancing with my doggie angel...

First of all a huge thank you to all the love you showed me last week after Bruno left his body. That dog has been such an amazing soul that I'm still finding it hard to feel a huge "loss" because his spirit is so strong and he's around so much, I no sooner have a wave of grief, than a wave of laughter hits as his spirit shows me some funny picture, or simply wraps me in a blanket of angel love so strong I feel like a child cradled in the womb once again. It has been profound and beautiful.

He's even been giving me license plate messages. "Ok hunky boy, we're going for a ride," I said the other day. I felt him sit in the passenger seat next to me - something he was never allowed to do in the physical since he would have liked to climb in my lap! Within seconds I was cut off by a van with the license plate K9TAXI!!! "I bet you're having a blast today," I said as I walked through a parking lot. Something turned my head to the right where a car was parked with the plates, "K9DANCE!" I laughed so hard. God knows the coordination in the universe never ceases to amazing me! I'm seeing "Wolf" signs everywhere. He is not a subtle spirit. My favorite form of contact is simply sitting still looking at his pictures or shutting my eyes and thinking of all our happy times. I feel his huge spirit around me in an embrace so sweet and tender and loving that my heart expands from the inside out and I suddenly feel warm and wonderful all over. I feel truly blessed. He even gave me a gift in his passing that I did not realize until the following week. When his spirit passed through me on the way out, it must have ben some form of initiation. Now when I touch people their loved ones in heaven, if willing, have been bringing the most amazing and comforting heat through my hands. I know Bruno's "exit" somehow facilitated this new gift. What a joy!

And while I am still human and have had a few rounds of wracking sobs, I feel so blessed to also know that endings are beginnings, and that "now" is what we have to live with joy. I do look back and enjoy the love, but I don't want to pretend it is gone. I still love the being that was my dog and he still loves me. I don't want to feel sad thinking he is gone because he isn't. I don't want to cling to what was. I want to be open to what is to come. And so I set about cleaning my house vigorously, eating very healthy foods to help my body recuperate from a year of little sleep and furry elder care, and starting to do the exercises and stretches I know I need to feel amazing again.

Lucy, my female furball and I are starting to have a new and more beautiful relationship as well. Years ago, she came to my house with such a horrid attitude I've never seen the likes of it! My friends can't believe this dog who is now sweet as sugar was ever such a pouty miserable creature! I have to pull out the photos. Years of love and popcorn made all the difference. I'm bringing her to the groomer for the "Spa Day" I promised her after she was so ignored for months of Bruno's care. She is very excited about that. Already the increased attention and treats are convincing her that having me all to herself isn't such a bad thing after all!


And so when you go through a loss, do let yourself feel your feelings. I'm not about to stop the grief when it hits. Don't look back and beat yourself up for what you did or didn't do. Half of grief is missing the physical form and often sadly, the other half is guilt and shame over the "coulda woulda shoulda's." What is done is done. What matters is that you feel the love now, your loved ones know it, and they're most likely sending you more than they ever could on earth.

If you have lost stuff, embrace the lessons then move forward with your manifestations. Years ago I got divorced and left a man, two dogs, and a home that I loved. Our paths had separated as I realized I had a calling other than the traditional life. It was ok, but it was hard. I moved into a small apartment that I ended up loving for its simplicity. It gave me time to grow, travel, and become the angel communicator I am today. Then when I was ready for a home, guess what! I found the exact same model I had lived in before, only with the improvements I had once visualized! The angels say that everything we've ever created exists within us and when the time is right we can bring it to the surface again in our lives.

So when you lose someone or something, as the angels say, look also for what is to be found, for gifts await in every circumstance. No matter how hard, how sad, how scary... there is always love waiting to be discovered in every situation.

Have a fantastic week, and please receive the love from me and and the fuzzy angel who is heating up my hands as I type and asking me to thank you all for all the prayers and love you have sent his way over the past year.

Hugs and howls :)!
Ann

Saturday, February 05, 2011

The end of an era

The angel message was not what I expected, given the week I just experienced, and yet it is true, and it applies oh so dearly. I queue up these messages a week ahead of time, and so last week when the angels were talking about cleaning out the house, I had a feeling that meant my life was going to change.

For months, those of you on this newsletter know, the care of my aging dog Bruno has been an ever increasing challenge. I haven't slept more than a few hours most nights for months. I've been doing up to ten loads of wash a day. The past few weeks I've barely slept at all and have been sleeping on the dog bed with him, curled up against him and doing Reiki to comfort him.

He resisted his aging process every step of the way and refused to be put down for months. If I was not there to comfort him he'd wake me up hollering when he messed up his sheets, get up, fall down, slam against the wall. He was so determined to get around the way he used to. When I was with him, I could calm him, change his towels, do the wash, and hug him till he fell asleep in my arms peacefully once again. He'd wake up sometimes, look around in a panic, see me there, and then his face would soften into the most amazing and loving smile, and he'd snuggle up next to me and fall deeply asleep again in my arms yet again. It was hard going so long without sleep but I wouldn't trade that time for the world. There was so much love.

His earthly life ended a week ago on Friday night. The Thursday night prior, he was in pain and finally gave me permission to call the vet. I didn't hear back from the mobile vet to say she couldn't come till Friday morning, so I scheduled an appointment with our regular one on Saturday. All through the day his cries worsened till late Friday night when I was able to hold him, Reiki him and comfort him. He got a few hours sleep then woke up crying in pain. That was it. Within ten minutes we were at an emergency clinic, and I cradled his head in my hands as the kindest vet gave him sweet release. I was blessed with the opportunity to look in his eyes and thank him and I felt his love for me too just before. As he passed, I felt his spirit slip right through my body up and out into the light. My tears stopped instantly. He was no longer in pain! I felt his JOY and the magnificence of his spirit. The vet asked me if I wanted a few minutes with "him" b ut as I looked at this body on the office floor, I realized there was none of "him" left in it. It looked like a stuffed animal without the animation and life force of his precious soul. So I left and we drove home together, me in the physical this time, and him in spirit. Exhausted I went to bed and his spirit curled up next to me in the most tangible, tender, and warm embrace. I don't believe I have ever felt so loved. I slept deeply for the first time in ages and woke up feeling the joy of his soul once again.

Since then he has been around almost constantly, giving me messages, telling me to buy pink roses, then a few minutes later having a dear friend show up with.. pink roses! He beeped another friends' smoke alarm 15 minutes after he died. I had been telling him when he went to the light he could visit this friend who lived far away! He did! And so in death he has expanded into a greater and more magnificent new life. It is hard to feel a "loss" most of the time because I feel him with me. A few waves of grief have hit hard, and I'm letting myself feel them deeply because that is just part of the human experience to miss the physical form of those we love. Still after a good cry, I pull out the crazy happy smiling pictures and once again give thanks for his beautiful soul. I feel blessed by his life and the joy, laughter, and lessons we shared.

So yes, nothing is without purpose, no matter how hard. My dear dog taught me so much in his final days. His tantrums forced me to find love even when someone was hollering at me. HIs stubbornness and refusal to be put down till the end caused me to learn to release myself from "saving or fixing" anyone and to just love him through his journey. The lack of sleep made me realize that meditation and plugging into God is all we need to keep us going - mostly we do that in our sleep but since I wasn't getting any the meditation did it. He forced me through sheer fatigue to speak my truth, feel everything within me, and become more direct and real than I ever have been. My readings have been more awesome. My heart has been expanded, and I feel even more so than before that I truly am living in two worlds at once. God bless this beautiful soul for the love he gave me on earth and the love he continues to show me every day. It wasn't easy but the spiritu al gifts that came from this experience are too numerous to mention.

So when you face challenges, the pain of others, the upsets of those you love, look at yourself and what you are learning there, because it is in learning to love ourselves and balance that with love for another that we hone our skills as the lightworkers we truly are on this planet, honoring all as One, all as part of God's creation, including ourselves, and all as love.

Bless you and thank you all for all the love during this journey. Lucy my girl dog wanted me to reassure you all that she is grieving a little but more so enjoying the increased attention and having all the treats to herself. We enjoyed a greek omelette the day after Bruno left us so his passing didn't feel quite so bad to her :)!! Talk about seeing the light in the dark... just ask a dog to show you how!