Saturday, February 28, 2009

God is what I am seeking

I spent the early years of my life seeking happiness externally. It was like chasing the proverbial carrot in front of the goat cart. I'll be happy when I get into college. I'll be happy when I graduate. I'll be happy when I get a job. I'll be happy when I quit my job. I'll be happy when I marry. I'll be happy after we separate. I'll be happy when I get a new place. I'll be happy when I get out of this place. And so on and so forth. It wasn't until I started to acknowledge the truth of God's love in my life that I started to experience a deep, true, and lasting happiness. I do get rocked out of it at times when I forget to make loving choices for myself. I do get stuck in illusions at times. But every night I pray for God to increase the experience of the Divine light within me and every morning I ask God's grace to fill me. God is what I seek.

That might not sound too practical until its 6:30pm after a full day of readings and I'm coming down off the high of sitting in angel energy, and feeling all the stuff in my body that I inadvertantly take on some days. I sit on the couch and ask to feel God's love and the energy comes in, floods my heart and helps me remember, that this is always there for me too. I've started getting back to my half hour of meditation every morning, just breathing into my spine and asking that love to fill me. I've started my tai chi again to feel the flow of that energy through my body. And all of the sudden once again, after a few months of forgetting what it feels like, I want for nothing. There are human desires, but if I never got a one of them and still felt this love I'd be happy anyway. It is true, that's all we want - to feel that intense, unconditional love of God. We have to give it to ourselves first.

As you know if you've been reading these emails, the last few months I've had a LOT of anger moving through me from the past. To be able to love yourself, even though you're a spiritual teacher, in the midst of your most un-holy moments, is paradoxically to remain more WHOLE-Y. God wants us to love ourselves no matter what. In doing so, we move through the so-called negativity. We give those parts of ourselves that forgot God, the love that they need to heal. If a child were screaming in pain around you would you say to him or her, "Go away! I can't stand your negativity!" Or would it not be more productive to pick the child up, hug and hold him or her and remind them they are loved. Next time you start to criticize part of yourself, think of that. Think of hugging and holding and loving the part of yourself that forgot. Imagine you can.

I was reminded of this in a beautiful workshop by Panach Desai this weekend. I asked his perspective on how to dig out old negativity and he mirrored back to me what I knew, but needed to simply persist in doing. This beautiful soul was an answer to my prayer to increase my awareness of myself as a Divine Being. He transmits divine energy and when he touches you or stands over you, you feel the love of God rise up inside of you as a sweet wave of energy and you remember who you really are. I can't even put words to the feeling I had as I was aware of my own soul's nature after the energetic transmissions. If you ever get a chance to see him, I can't say enough good about his work. (www.panachedesai.com). Likewise my friend Susan Palmer in Sedona transmits various aspects of the divine energy each month at a distance (www.spirithealerIam.com). And while you can find all these energies within self, I'm taking all the help I can get. The more I receive the more I can give, and the more I give the more I can receive.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Guided actions

BOY do I know the lesson about taking guided action very well!! If I even ignore my heart for the slightest instant there can be dire consequences and if I listen, life flows smoothly. I was on the freeway with a friend a few weekends ago when a car in front of us started behaving strangely. Everything in me wanted to pull off the highway rather than trying to figure out what this car was going to do, so I did, just as they began to weave in and out of traffic, slowing and then speeding up. I knew the person in front of me was terribly drunk and that the energy that seeks to sabotage would have used them to really mess up my day. And so I sat on the side of the highway for a few minutes allowing this car to get a bit farther ahead of me. Eventually I was able to get back on the highway and pass them safely. The friend that was with me confirmed that the drive was draped over the wheel, barely awake. We said a prayer asking God to spare their life and the lives of those around them.

On several instances, listening to my feelings and the little voices in my head has kept me out of trouble. Once I was on the highway following a truck when a very calm voice said, "You might want to change lanes." I did so and avoided the tire that popped off the truck two seconds later and would have flown into my windshield. Another time I wanted to go make bank deposits but was too tired to do so, and found out later there was an armed robbery at the ATM that night. Still another time, I felt a huge urge to veer off the freeway and avoided being rear ended. SO many times, listening to my guidance has saved me from big trouble.

Regarding the difference between laziness and surrender, I get asked about that a lot. The world might say I've been "lazier than usual" the last two years. I have continued to see regular clients and answered hundreds of emails a week, but haven't taught or wrote a thing since 2007. I've spent a lot of time resting in fact just to keep my energy up for the work I am doing. Couch potato and TV watching time isn't something the world values very much, but I needed the rest. And, as always happens, after a time of rest - when you really surrender and really DO rest - the inspiration and desire for activity resumes. All of the sudden, I had the desire to drag myself out of of bed early and do tai chi. All of the sudden the inspiration to teach is coming back! Stay tuned!

God DOES love us. God wants us to know His LOVE. This love is available all the time, no matter what the outside circumstances. To choose to invite God into your life, to guide your actions and words, and to receive this love means we do have to learn faith, patience, and trust. It means we have to rest when we're tired and trust that inspiration will return. Feelings might come up when you're resting that are the very blocks to what you want to achieve. BE with them, send them love, and heal them. God knows what he's doing during your periods of "time out!"

If you invite God into your life it means you have to get up and act when guided to do so. If you wake up with the urge to clean your house, get up and do it. If you have the urge to call a friend, stop second guessing yourself and do it. If you have the urge to rest, stop pushing yourself and do it. If you feel like accepting an invitation, do it; if not don't. You don't need to figure out why you have the inspiration to do or not do something. You simply have to accept that if you invite God to guide you He will and you won't miss the signals.

This is a new way to live. It is a way that honors the heart and uses the mind as a tool rather than allowing it to be master. It is a life in which the divine masculine and divine feminine energies work in a beautiful marriage within us creating balance and greater ease. It is a life filled with grace.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

You are loved!

I hope you are having a happy valentine's day and if no one is giving you chocolate and flowers, that you are choosing to do something that honors the bright and beautiful spirit that you are! I planted my own roses, buy my own chocolates, and give thanks for the love of God. As the angels say, "Why wait to feel God's love?" It is here now, all over the place, waiting to be taken in and received with gratitude.

If the angels have taught me one thing over the years that has stuck, it is that God loves us - no matter what. When I am singing praises for the wonder and glory of creation or whether I'm ranting and whining God loves me. When I'm being nice or when I'm being cranky God loves me. And God loves you too - always and forever, and no matter what is going on in your heart, your mind, and your life. As they said above, the question is never, "Does God love you," but rather, "how much are you willing to receive this love?"

I forget to sit still and receive at times. I get busy. I try to solve my own problems and forget to ask God for help at times, and yet more and more as the years pass, I take the time to sit and receive. I take the time to ask God for help solving problems great and small. I take the time to let myself feel whatever comes up inside of me and know that I am no less loved because of it. This type of love makes me feel as if I have an eternal companion in God and truly we all do. I go to God to celebrate, and I go to God for comfort. I talk to God as my best friend. And my angels are with me as well, whether I feel them or not. They are with you too - in the dark and the light times of your lives. They care about you.

The question is not about whether God or the angels love and care about us. It is more appropriate to ask ourselves how much we truly care about our own hearts.

Its ok to ask for help and love even in the little things, because truly, our lives are largely comprised of the little things that add up to either make a grand life or a mediocre life. "Do you like the soap you use," asks Alexandra Stoddard, an author whose book, "Daring to be Yourself" affected me deeply years ago when I was learning what it meant to even BE me. I try to make sure I ask for the best in all the little moments of my life, and I know God does care.

Take last weekend. I wanted to take a road trip with a friend, a small thing really, but the skies were cloudy and it poured rain all the night before. More rain was in the forecast. But rather than giving up, I prayed. "God I'd like to take this drive but if you don't want me to go make it obvious. If you think we'd have fun and the weather can take a breather, make it obvious." Within half an hour the rain started to clear. I called my friend and we embarked on our journey a little later than planned, but with peaceful hearts knowing God had given us the green light to enjoy our day. We drove under one rather wicked squall and then out from under the ominous clouds, into the light. The pitch black sky in the rear view mirror looked like something out of the movie "Twister." It was an interesting metaphor. When we set our sights on God's love and trust that He cares - we leave the darkness of our own illusions behind and move into the light of truth.

That does not mean we always get our way. Had it rained, I would have surrendered to a different type of love - a restful day at home and whatever magical surprises that might have brought. We have to assume that if our prayers are not immediately answered, God simply has better plans or better timing than we might come up with.

We are all loved beyond our capacity to comprehend. We can touch upon this love and feel it in deep silence. We can witness it in the magnificence of the skies, or the beauty of a sunset. I can see it in my dogs' eyes and a child's smile. You can feel it in yourself when your heart wants to reach out to another from a place of joy, compassion, and inspiration. God's love includes you, your life, your cares, your concerns. As we leave behind the illusion that we are not loved and embrace the truth that we are, we start to be more loving to ourselves. We start to take our own dreams more seriously. We start to realize we are nothing less than co-creators of our own lives. And it feels really good.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Volcanoes and vents

Years ago I had the incredible priviledge of flying over a venting volcano in Hawaii. To see the glowing red hot earth emerging, steaming, bubbling, crackling, and hardening into the newest land on the planet was awe inspiring. (see picture) I think I understandhow the angels view us when we bring our depths up to the surface, no matter how much sputtering is involved!

Its been an intense couple of months for many people I know. I'm in a growth spurt to say the least. This one started when an ex boyfriend decided to give me a full on kiss on the lips while his wife, who I like and respect, stood by. The energy was all wrong and it felt totally inappropriate. It caught me by surprise. And it unleashed a torrent of upset I've harbored at myself over the years for putting up with beahviors that I know all to well aren't ok with me.

I've been remarkably forgiving - to a fault the angels told me. I didn't know that was possible. After a man I didn't want to date cussed me out in front of my engineering friends, when I was in my thirties, I wrote him a letter telling him I was sorry I'd triggered his anger. After a man cheated on me with multiple partners and dumped me, I wrote him a letter forgiving him and blessing him for the good times. I let this one particular former boyfriend yell at me and blame all his problems on me when we were together and tried to reason with him, often helping him through particularly painful childhood issues that came up. I even let him rent a room from me after he broke up so he could have time to get back on his financial feet. And I never felt ok being upset for long... I WAS upset, don't get me wrong, but I worked hard to put that aside and forgive, because I feel other people's feelings as if they are my own. I can see where their pain comes from, and have great compassion. But I forgot to have compassion for myself. "I'm strong" I would reason. "I can take it and help them." And I did help them... but in the words of my angels, "You sure messed yourself up!" The angels have been on my case to let some old pieces of my soul have a holy hissy fit about putting up with all this. And God bless this one particular soul, becuase it is his holy gift to poke the areas of my spirit that need to rise up and be more powerful.

I went home and wrote some of the most unholy rants in my journal. And still the angels prodded me to vent more. "Its about time," they told me. "Its about time you saw clearly that you want to be treated more kindly." "Its about time you stopped putting up with things you know are not right and that you don't want in your life." "Its about time you stopped making excuses for others and pretending that things were ok when they are not."

Pretty soon I was venting about every nonsensical thing I've ever put up with in my life. This gave rise to an authentic part of me that wants to be treated with only kindness, respect, dignity, and grace. It is the part of my soul that knows exactly what is ok in my life and what is not. And the anger was simply a force that came up to push me into this new understanding, that we all know but rarely practice - that we MUST give our own knowing the benefit of the doubt before we allow others to bully, manipulate, shame, or scare us into doing what they want. "Whose life are you living Ann?" the angels have often asked me. Now it's mine :) And of course, from that new clear, centered standpoint, I am able to give more authenically than ever before. It feels good.

I've seen a lot of people going through these outbursts lately. It seems so many people who care about everyone else are starting to take their own goals, dreams, and desires more seriously as well. God is really causing the fire of our soul that lies within our depths to come to the surface. God wants us to follow HIS plan for our lives, not the one we were programmed to think we should. And not coincidentally the volcanoes are venting and steaming and blowing as well. One in Japan blew earlier this week, and as I write this one in Alaska is threatening to blow. Its time that what is inside comes up and is reflected on the outside in our lives.

Once the truth comes to the surface we don't need the anger because we no longer feel guilty doing what we know is right and healthy for ourselves. I had a good laugh over this incident once I finally saw what it was - an opportunity to speak more clearly, be more clear, and avoid things I didn't want to experience. I've had a few tests since to see if I'm going to honor my heart and my knowing or not, and thankfully I've passed. Clarity is a beautiful thing :)

Maybe, just maybe, if we let enough of the pressures out of our own souls, in a healthy way, then volcanoes won't have to blow so hard:) If you're one of the lightworkers that has been steaming, take a sauna in it - vent the old upsets in a journal and let the energy purify your soul... and if you're done with all that, enjoy the calm clarity!