Saturday, November 14, 2009

Loving it all!

The last 9 years of my life have been an exploration in self love. It all began when I was dating a man who was very wounded and very angry. And yet, this very man introduced me to my friend Summer Bacon, who channels Dr. Peebles, an angel who had been working with me most of my life, unbeknownst to me, and who has mentored me in every aspect of self love and self-acceptance. I used to think I could only love myself when I was being kind, "holy," and in a good mood. And so I faked it often. I pretended to be happy when I was not. I tried to love people whose souls I could love but whose personalities were unthinkably cruel to me. I put up with abuse, as if martyrdom was a higher calling than happiness. And I pretended to forgive when my soul was still crying in pain. I was trying to be angelic without accepting anything within me that was human.

Little by little God ripped my lies apart until I could accept myself in any given moment.

I learned to accept and love myself when I was upset, and so the need for upset became less and less because now I am no longer fighting my own truths within. If someone is unkind to me now, I can either listen with love or move away with love because I no longer need to defend my own goodness. I know who I am.

If I am sad, I accept that this simply means I am longing for some greater love or kindness in the moment and that means I love myself. I can even appreciate the beauty beneath a good wracking, sobbing cry when necessary because it is innocent, human, and just an authentic cry for love. It doesn't mean anything more than that. On the few occasions I still need to cry, I just ask the angels to come in and comfort me and they do. We'd never judge a baby crying, would we? Why must we judge ourselves?

All these lessons came to the forefront of my life a few months ago when a longtime friend who was in dire pain unleashed torrents of rage, frustration, and pain on me. I had attempted to say encouraging things that unfortunately came across as being unrealistic. I had mentioned a few challenges I was having that were nothing compared to her own and came across as insensitive. And while I knew in my heart of hearts that my only intention ever had been to be supportive and loving, I also knew that my friend's perception of my comments was absolutely real for her. Because I truly cared about her and sensed the depth of her pain, I listened and did my best to understand her point of view. It wasn't easy. But by the grace of God (because I was praying) I was able to hear her perceptions of me, my statements, and the pain beneath them. I saw her soul crying out for love in an unthinkably trying time in her life. I was able to listen and acknowledge her point of view and promise to adjust my speaking so as not to trigger more pain in her life. And I know, looking back, that I was only able to do this because I know myself as a good and loving person, and had no need to react or defend my statements. I just wanted to love and understand her instead.

I thank God I've learned this level of self love or a dear friendship would have been wasted over my angry reactions, and while it would be easy to blame her instead of taking responsibility for the creations in my life, I now want to take responsibility for my choices, perceptions, and reactions to life. I want to choose love over, and over, and over, no matter how hard it is. I know that had I reacted defensively, this situation would have escalated into unthinkable pain for both of us. I did get off the phone and cry my eyes out, because it hurt. And I accepted those tears as tears of self love because while I love my friend I wanted to be treated with greater kindness in the future. Through a lot of prayer and honest dialogue, we worked it out and all is well again. I give her credit for being willing to communicate even when it came out so angrily - it was her soul crying out for love underneath it all, and it was the best she could do at the time. It totally created movement and growth in our relationship. It took courage on her part, and a lot of compassion on mine. We have now reached deeper levels of understanding with one another as we continue to grow and mature spiritually.

If you can truly love yourself in all your moods, and in all situations (and it is a choice), then you can truly share love with others. If you can understand that when you are angry you are crying for love; when you are sad your are mourning losing something you loved; when you are frustrated you are wanting to understand how to create more in life, etc., then... when you see those darker emotions in another you can understand them as well because we are all, deep-down, human and made of the same stuff.

So practicing true self love and acceptance, far from being narcissistically selfish is instead a gift to the world. When you truly know the loving and kind and well-intentioned soul that you ARE, then you can see beneath the pain of the world and see that desire for love and connection in others as well, no matter how they act or behave. You can realize you are a good person even if you aren't 'perfect' according to some standard in the moment. You can create and manifest more good in your life from a place of love ever, than from a place of self-deprecation and self-criticism.

You are perfect just the way you are, just as a rosebud is perfect in and amongst the thorns before it blooms into the magnificent rose.

May you have a week filled with wonder and stand in awe of your own bright and beautiful souls.