Saturday, March 21, 2009

A thorny momen

I had a thorny moment this week. It wasn't something I was proud of, but it was an opportunity ripe for growth. In the process of learning more about heaven on earth, so I can teach it more deeply, I have been learning to live by heart and surrender to God's guidance in all things even if that means being misunderstood or disappointing others. Its not an easy lesson. And because I'm not 100% comfortable with it yet, I've received a plethora of ugly and unkind responses lately from people who are upset that I don't do what they want. These help me learn not to take it personally.

Earlier in the week a woman on the list emailed and asked me to teach with her. I politely and honestly told her I wasn't interested and wished her the best. She wrote back that she had hoped I would want to expand my capacity to serve "more" people. Something in my psyche flipped and I got upset. Serve more? In my spare time? I have just recently really got the lesson that I am serving based on my God given guidance rather than being willing to allow my own ego or the desires of others guide me. And not being 100% comfy with that new reality, I got defensive.

In retrospect I realize that her response was innocent. Unfortunately I didn't take the time to breathe and tune in first and before I could think, that unconscious little part of me wrote back and said that I didn't do guilt trips and lived by heart. Clearly that was not the evolved thing to do on my part. Not only did I misunderstand her intent, but I didn't take the time to examine my reaction before pressing the "send" key.

Understandably she withdrew from the mailing list, told me she had to stop recommending me to anyone, and said my vibe was not what she had thought. By this time sanity was setting in and I sat and meditated and realized I was clearly in the wrong. I sent her a sincere and humble apology. I have no idea if it was accepted or not. She, most likely, will go through life thinking I'm the biggest hypocrite on the planet - that was simply her experience of me.

We have all had these 'thorny' moments in our lives when we do or say things we regret. I have a friend who knows one of the greatest spiritual leaders on the planet and he says even this pure and holy soul has his moments. No one escapes their humanity. And although we call these moments 'mistakes' at the human level, the angels constantly remind us that they are just lessons and opportunities to grow. They're opportunities to look inside of ourselves and own more of the light that we are.

So how do you handle these "thorny" moments with grace after you've had one?

First, own you stuff. This woman's statement about me doing "more" triggered an old part of myself that measured my worth in the numbers I served and the projects I accomplished, rather than simply feeling the divinity and integrity of my spirit. And so my defensive statement to her, was really, more accurately, a statement to that part of myself that I no longer wanted to allow to run and ruin my life. It made me realize that I had come along way and no longer judged my value based on my 'accomplishments.' I just wasn't yet 100% comfortable in that new reality and got defensive.

Secondly, forgive yourself. We do our best in each moment. We're all learning and we're all growing. There is no point in beating yourself up if you are willing to own your stuff and learn. If you've learned you've gotten the gift out of the experience. Let it go.

And last but not least clean up after yourself. Apologize sincerely without justification or defense. Make amends if necessary. Do unto others what you would have them do unto you... as soon as you are conscious enough to do it! Then accept whatever response or lack of response you get and let it go. Your apology may be rejected but as the angels say, "Rejection is just redirection." Move forward.

And so Spring has sprung! Time for new life and new growth. Its time to allow whatever truths lie inside of us to come to the surface. Like a seed pushing aside the dirt to burst into light, our growth is sometimes graceful, sometimes awkward, but as long as its growth, we're doing what we came to do. Be nice to you during those human moments. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, clean up any messes, and celebrate the greater truths and awareness that the situations have revealed. Every day is a day to celebrate new life and new birth!