Saturday, February 07, 2009

Volcanoes and vents

Years ago I had the incredible priviledge of flying over a venting volcano in Hawaii. To see the glowing red hot earth emerging, steaming, bubbling, crackling, and hardening into the newest land on the planet was awe inspiring. (see picture) I think I understandhow the angels view us when we bring our depths up to the surface, no matter how much sputtering is involved!

Its been an intense couple of months for many people I know. I'm in a growth spurt to say the least. This one started when an ex boyfriend decided to give me a full on kiss on the lips while his wife, who I like and respect, stood by. The energy was all wrong and it felt totally inappropriate. It caught me by surprise. And it unleashed a torrent of upset I've harbored at myself over the years for putting up with beahviors that I know all to well aren't ok with me.

I've been remarkably forgiving - to a fault the angels told me. I didn't know that was possible. After a man I didn't want to date cussed me out in front of my engineering friends, when I was in my thirties, I wrote him a letter telling him I was sorry I'd triggered his anger. After a man cheated on me with multiple partners and dumped me, I wrote him a letter forgiving him and blessing him for the good times. I let this one particular former boyfriend yell at me and blame all his problems on me when we were together and tried to reason with him, often helping him through particularly painful childhood issues that came up. I even let him rent a room from me after he broke up so he could have time to get back on his financial feet. And I never felt ok being upset for long... I WAS upset, don't get me wrong, but I worked hard to put that aside and forgive, because I feel other people's feelings as if they are my own. I can see where their pain comes from, and have great compassion. But I forgot to have compassion for myself. "I'm strong" I would reason. "I can take it and help them." And I did help them... but in the words of my angels, "You sure messed yourself up!" The angels have been on my case to let some old pieces of my soul have a holy hissy fit about putting up with all this. And God bless this one particular soul, becuase it is his holy gift to poke the areas of my spirit that need to rise up and be more powerful.

I went home and wrote some of the most unholy rants in my journal. And still the angels prodded me to vent more. "Its about time," they told me. "Its about time you saw clearly that you want to be treated more kindly." "Its about time you stopped putting up with things you know are not right and that you don't want in your life." "Its about time you stopped making excuses for others and pretending that things were ok when they are not."

Pretty soon I was venting about every nonsensical thing I've ever put up with in my life. This gave rise to an authentic part of me that wants to be treated with only kindness, respect, dignity, and grace. It is the part of my soul that knows exactly what is ok in my life and what is not. And the anger was simply a force that came up to push me into this new understanding, that we all know but rarely practice - that we MUST give our own knowing the benefit of the doubt before we allow others to bully, manipulate, shame, or scare us into doing what they want. "Whose life are you living Ann?" the angels have often asked me. Now it's mine :) And of course, from that new clear, centered standpoint, I am able to give more authenically than ever before. It feels good.

I've seen a lot of people going through these outbursts lately. It seems so many people who care about everyone else are starting to take their own goals, dreams, and desires more seriously as well. God is really causing the fire of our soul that lies within our depths to come to the surface. God wants us to follow HIS plan for our lives, not the one we were programmed to think we should. And not coincidentally the volcanoes are venting and steaming and blowing as well. One in Japan blew earlier this week, and as I write this one in Alaska is threatening to blow. Its time that what is inside comes up and is reflected on the outside in our lives.

Once the truth comes to the surface we don't need the anger because we no longer feel guilty doing what we know is right and healthy for ourselves. I had a good laugh over this incident once I finally saw what it was - an opportunity to speak more clearly, be more clear, and avoid things I didn't want to experience. I've had a few tests since to see if I'm going to honor my heart and my knowing or not, and thankfully I've passed. Clarity is a beautiful thing :)

Maybe, just maybe, if we let enough of the pressures out of our own souls, in a healthy way, then volcanoes won't have to blow so hard:) If you're one of the lightworkers that has been steaming, take a sauna in it - vent the old upsets in a journal and let the energy purify your soul... and if you're done with all that, enjoy the calm clarity!