Saturday, February 28, 2009

God is what I am seeking

I spent the early years of my life seeking happiness externally. It was like chasing the proverbial carrot in front of the goat cart. I'll be happy when I get into college. I'll be happy when I graduate. I'll be happy when I get a job. I'll be happy when I quit my job. I'll be happy when I marry. I'll be happy after we separate. I'll be happy when I get a new place. I'll be happy when I get out of this place. And so on and so forth. It wasn't until I started to acknowledge the truth of God's love in my life that I started to experience a deep, true, and lasting happiness. I do get rocked out of it at times when I forget to make loving choices for myself. I do get stuck in illusions at times. But every night I pray for God to increase the experience of the Divine light within me and every morning I ask God's grace to fill me. God is what I seek.

That might not sound too practical until its 6:30pm after a full day of readings and I'm coming down off the high of sitting in angel energy, and feeling all the stuff in my body that I inadvertantly take on some days. I sit on the couch and ask to feel God's love and the energy comes in, floods my heart and helps me remember, that this is always there for me too. I've started getting back to my half hour of meditation every morning, just breathing into my spine and asking that love to fill me. I've started my tai chi again to feel the flow of that energy through my body. And all of the sudden once again, after a few months of forgetting what it feels like, I want for nothing. There are human desires, but if I never got a one of them and still felt this love I'd be happy anyway. It is true, that's all we want - to feel that intense, unconditional love of God. We have to give it to ourselves first.

As you know if you've been reading these emails, the last few months I've had a LOT of anger moving through me from the past. To be able to love yourself, even though you're a spiritual teacher, in the midst of your most un-holy moments, is paradoxically to remain more WHOLE-Y. God wants us to love ourselves no matter what. In doing so, we move through the so-called negativity. We give those parts of ourselves that forgot God, the love that they need to heal. If a child were screaming in pain around you would you say to him or her, "Go away! I can't stand your negativity!" Or would it not be more productive to pick the child up, hug and hold him or her and remind them they are loved. Next time you start to criticize part of yourself, think of that. Think of hugging and holding and loving the part of yourself that forgot. Imagine you can.

I was reminded of this in a beautiful workshop by Panach Desai this weekend. I asked his perspective on how to dig out old negativity and he mirrored back to me what I knew, but needed to simply persist in doing. This beautiful soul was an answer to my prayer to increase my awareness of myself as a Divine Being. He transmits divine energy and when he touches you or stands over you, you feel the love of God rise up inside of you as a sweet wave of energy and you remember who you really are. I can't even put words to the feeling I had as I was aware of my own soul's nature after the energetic transmissions. If you ever get a chance to see him, I can't say enough good about his work. (www.panachedesai.com). Likewise my friend Susan Palmer in Sedona transmits various aspects of the divine energy each month at a distance (www.spirithealerIam.com). And while you can find all these energies within self, I'm taking all the help I can get. The more I receive the more I can give, and the more I give the more I can receive.

2 comments:

dreamsjack said...

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Ann Albers said...

I hope to write more on this :) I'll keep everyone posted in my newsletter when the book is finally out. It has been a lifelong study for me. Blessings, Ann