Saturday, July 05, 2008

A new kind of freedom

The angels have been imploring people lately to watch their thoughts. The energy is so strong, that when we align with faith, trust, and honor our hearts, miracles are happening. When we fall into gulit, shame, fear, and victimization, its not so fun.

I was in a hugely positive space until I underwent my toughest spiritual challenge to date. After my Coast to Coast interview and hundreds of emails, I got a letter in the mail. Something felt weird about it. I hadn't given my address to the person who wrote me and I felt a little creepy about that. I didn't feel like even opening it. But I felt a tinge of guilt since I am so committed to helping all who come my way when I have the ability and energy to do it and so I opened the letter. I stuck my toe into a stream of guilt, and got sucked into a current of negativity.

In that moment, I got attacked by a spirit so violently I have never seen the likes of it. I got punched in the stomach so hard lost my breath. This thing jumped in me, started choking me from the inside out and I began to gag and cough. It got pretty unpleasant. With great resolve, I cast it out. It left me alone when I was with clients or on the radio, but every night for weeks this angry spirit came back again, causing me a great deal of physical discomfort. My body just hurt. I finally talked to the angels through my friend Summer Bacon because I could not get perspective on my own. The angels told me that this soul was a man from a past life who once loved me. I had apparently turned away from him and not given him his goodbye hug and he let his anger turn to rage and his rage turn into a desire to kill me. The angels escorted him out of me and I got to talk to him through Summer who channeled him for me. After screaming at me and telling me how much he hated me, he finally broke down and sounded like a little boy. "You didn't hug me," he said. "Well let me come on over and do it now, if you'll agree to leave me alone," I said. I flew to him in spirit and hugged him and sent him tons of love, whereby he apologized and left me at long last. The angels have always said that demons are like hurt little children. I saw it first-hand. I think we both healed.

Nonetheless, although I was fine for a few days, my mind couldn't leave it alone. I started fuming. I couldn't shake my feelings of anger and victimization. I felt victimized, unproteced, and seething mad that God allowed for this. I fumed at God, fumed at the angels, fumed at this spirit. POOR me. How DARE this soul from hundreds of years ago attack me. I'm this little 5'3" tall woman and this big male spirit socked me. Its one thing to know the concepts about why God allows pain but when I was the one getting hit and choked, I wanted answers.

And the answers came back - The angels said that of course, I had never caused this spirit's actions, nor had I deserved them, but that I had carried guilt in my heart about turning people away even when I knew it was the right thing to do. And my guilt acted like a magnet for this soul's anger - kind of like a lock and key fit each other perfectly. Martyrdom opens you up to sociopaths. Guilt and shame open one up to anger and abuse. We live in a world of polarities where certain vibrations fit into one another like a hand and glove. As much as I hated to admit it, I knew the angels were right. I've never quite felt safe turning people away because I've had a lot of people who I've kindly and lovingly turned away, attack me with their angry words and energy. "Its time you let go of the fear and find greater faith in God Ann," they told me.

For several days I strove to embrace my role in allowing this. I kept trying to own my part in it, and yet the anger kept coming up again and again. I would choose a good thought and a negative one would try to reassert itself. One night when I was particularly exhausted from my mental weight lifting exercises I just collapsed and cried like a baby. "God heal my heart. Heal my head. Take away my anger. Take away my victimization. Let me forgive this spirit now...please." And then from the depths of my heart of hearts came a cry... "I want kindness. I want a hug... I want a hug." The angels came in droves, hugging me and holding me, and sending me so much love that in that instant my heart melted and I felt God's love again. In that moment I was able to see my part in it, to own it, and to release it. In that moment I understood that I loved this soul but just didn't want to be around him due to bad behavior. In that moment I felt how deeply God cares no matter what I experience. It was one of those life altering ah ha's... Yes God loves me in spite of my upset. Yes I am safe. Yes I used to be willing to be kicked and punched if it would help another work out their own feelings and heal... but not any longer. And the anger is gone completely.

There are times when, in spite of your best intentions, fear, anger, or other negativity seems to grip you. We have to do our part by constantly choosing better thoughts but we can also pray for the help from the depths of innocence within us, and then, be willing, like a child, to put aside doubt and mistrust and receive the love that comes.

We are on earth. It is a school. It is not always easy. My adventures are admittedly, much weirder than most (job hazard!). We all have our trials and we all have our tough classes, and yet God is always with us, encouraging us to love ourselves more so we can feel more of His love. The angels remind me frequently that as we learn to love and care for ourselves we can believe in and experience God's love and care in ever-expanding ways. As we pray for our fears to be removed, we make space to trust and experience more love.

So let's celebrate a new kind of independence - freedom from negativity so we can really receive the embrace of the love all around us :)