Saturday, May 10, 2008

The gift of the sparrow

I sometimes live lifetimes of lessons in a week. After my intent last week to have "respectful, kind, competent, reasonably priced, helpful, punctual, honest professionals to come help me with the work I don't want to do and can't figure out" God gave me exactly what I asked for. I discovered the leak in the front yard wasn't the sprinklers and it was beyond my scope to fix. As the water in my 'moat' began to increase, I took a breath, prayed and asked God to help me find the right plumber. I looked at the various ads, focused on the names one at a time and payed attention to my stomach. As I said one name, my stomach felt completely relaxed, and so I called and booked an appointment for the plumbers to come out and see where the leak was. Two men were sent who were "respectful, kind, competent, reasonably priced, helpful, punctual, and honest." They found the problem and spent all day replacing the piping from the city water to my house with new copper piping. The leak was fixed, the yard was restored to order, and one guy even told me he liked digging and landscaping. I felt entirely blessed. True, the bill was rather large to say the least, but I simply informed God and am waiting for my next miracle. Its amazing how easy life gets when we are focused on what we DO want.

Continuing on that theme, I asked God to help me loosen up whatever was holding my body tight. For months my body has felt like a spring coiled too tightly and I hurt. I knew the root cause wasn't physical. I knew I was holding some old emotional stuff, likely from other lifetimes and in spite of meditation and all sorts of other spiritual work, I could not find what emotions were stuck tight inside of me. So this week, I prayed, "Ok God, I know I've got some deep old, old sadness in there. Please get the tears out and help me figure it out and finally relax! If I need to cry, I surrender, just make it as gentle as possible." Not a surprise - God answered my prayer in His own way.

Just before bed Tuesday night my dog got a bird in the yard. I found him playing with the little sparrow whose chest he had punctured and who was mortally wounded. Being a dog he sat there looking at the bird like some squeaky toy wondering why the little fellow wouldn't play. I chased my dog in the house and sat there looking at this helpless creature, laying on my lawn, feeling entirely unsure what to do. I tuned into the bird, and he simply said, "I'm dying," and looked at me with such tender love and complete surrender to his fate, that it touched something deep inside me, and I started sobbing beyond control. I didn't want to wake the neighbors so I went inside and the wails of grief that came from my depths caught me off guard. I cry when someone dies, but not like this. I deal with grief every day in my job. I've held dying animals and the hands and hearts of dying humans, but nothing, no one, not even my own friends and relatives ever uncorked sadness like this. I felt as my clients feel, wondering if the little bird knew he was loved, wondering if he was in pain, wondering all the questions my clients asked me when their loved ones pass. I had never, in this lifetime, doubted God's love and support but all of the sudden I couldn't feel it. All I could feel was a deep, wracking, nameless grief inside myself that was beyond explanation.

I snapped back into the present, and my heart kicked in. I didn't have the heart to leave this little creature alone in the cold, wet night air to die by himself. I went outside, lined one of my hands with soft, fragrant rose petals from the garden, carefully picked up the little sparrow and held him, sending energy and prayer to free his spirit for over an hour, while he slowly died in my hands. The look of love and gratitude in his little eyes as the healing energy started to release his spirit, unleashed another torrent of tears. How could such a tiny creature teach me so much truth. He knew he was dying. He knew it was ok. He was grateful for the warmth and comforting energy. And he passed in complete and utter peace. I placed his little body on my kitchen table in a box lined with rose petals, did some prayers for him and all God's creatures and let his body stay there over night till I could bury him the next morning. I even sang him a little song of thanks for all the songs that he and his friends sang to me each morning and night.

I cried myself to sleep, and awoke the next morning, still sobbing. I buried him and sat in meditation asking God to help me understand WHY these tears wouldn't stop. I KNOW our spirits are eternal as much as I know the sky is blue. I KNOW God loves all creatures, as much as I know I breathe. "So WHY this grief God," I asked? "Why?" And in stillness, as always, God answered. "You have died feeling alone, cold, and abandoned in other lifetimes. You have carried the illusion that you were unsupported and unloved. And you brought that feeling with you, into this lifetime to heal. This lifetime you have imagined that you weren't supported many times. This lifetime you have felt alone many times. This lifetime you have felt as if you were there without someone to hold you when you were in fear. And that has been your illusion. You have healed it in your mind and in your emotions, and now you are releasing the fear and sadness that have been trapped in your body." I heaved one final sob and started coughing and gasping for air, as I felt a deep, old sad energy moved out of my body. I felt empty but also very good inside of myself. I felt a relief and a peace so deep that I can't even remember feeling this relaxed. And I knew once again that God had answered my prayer. I thought of the sparrow and instantly, standing right beside me, was the angel that had incarnated as that sparrow with the sole purpose of teaching me. The angel gave me a hug and looked in my eyes and congratulated me for understanding his message. My dog looked at the angel, and then at me as if to say, "See, we knew what we were doing." This time my tears were tears of gratitude.

No one of us is ever alone. Not one of us is ever unloved. As I have worked over the years to embrace that with my whole heart, the light inside of me started to wash the illusions out of my body and I had to cry those tears to release them. If you send more water through a faulty pipe it springs a leak. If you send more water through a strong conduit, it clears out the gunk. So too, as we bring more light into our minds and hearts it either springs a leak in some fashion, helping us see our own weak spots and illusions or it clears out the gunk inside our spirits.

So now I have strong, shiny new copper pipes in my yard, and a shiny clean conduit of energy in my physical body as well. The adventures never end here upon the earth, and we seek to keep embracing God's truth more and more deeply.

As I watched the news of the deaths from the cyclone in Burma, and the tornadoes in our own country, I felt the peace of knowing each and every soul who passed in these disasters was brought into the loving arms of God and into a peace greater than anything we have the capacity to feel or understand here upon the earth except in states of deep bliss, prayer, and meditation. I ask that we all pray for the families and friends of those who have died, who remain here on earth, because they too are working hard to see the truth beyond the illusinons - that all souls are truly cherished, cared for, and ultimately brought back into the loving heart of God.