Friday, March 28, 2008

The dark before the dawn of new light

I am feeling absolutely wonderful these days, but I did go through an intense birthing process last November that scared the living daylights out of me. Since so many people have written me this week, in deep pain and wanting to die, I thought I'd share my experience last year with the 'dark night of the soul' so that others can find hope in the midst of the process of pushing through their old reality into the light. After all, there is SO much good rising up within us that it is simply bringing everything else to the surface - the good, the bad, and the ugly. The light IS rising up within us. We want greater quality of life, more authentic relationships. We can't stuff our real thoughts. Nothing less than love feels very good anymore. And to repeat old habits and beliefs feels like squeezing into a tight pair of jeans after a huge meal. Not fun.

Last year I asked God to clear me of any old beliefs that kept me from walking my path in the world and serving in the way that God wanted me to serve. Little did I know, that opened up Pandora's box! While I was fine doing readings and hanging out with friends, in the quiet of my own company, I found some pretty disturbing thought patterns within my mind. Perhaps the ugliest and most untrue went something like this... "I take care of everyone else and no one takes care of me. My personal dreams don't really matter to God." Mind you, I didn't logically believe that, but when I was tired, hadn't taken care of myself, slept well, or eaten good meals, that nasty little old belief wormed its way to the surface in my mind. I started feeling as if there were two of me - the real happy spiritual true self, and the inner victim/whiner/pityparty hostess. (Hm... maybe the pityparty hostess should have served some cheese with her whine!)

Anyway, I prayed, "God help me get these stupid thoughts out of me once and for all." And God said, OK, rolled up his sleeves and dove into the darkness with me. The old beliefs hit me like a ton of bricks, after a hard week with little sleep during which several clients were going through extreme pain and needed extra care; a week in which friends were facing their own trials and I was trying to support them, and worst of all to this Polish girl - a week where I hadn't bought groceries and and was living off leftovers and snacks from the pantry. Needless to say I had forgotten everything I know and preach, and I wore myself out. And so, not surprisingly, I crashed. I sat in my backyard and felt exhausted and it was then that the onslaught of negative thoughts began to possess me. And I mean possess.

At first the thoughts were my own. "I'm hungry. I'm tired. Nobody takes care of me. Poor me." That went on for awhile, but then something else started happening. The energies in the universe that feed off our negativity began to amplify those thoughts in my mind and expand upon them. "If you die someone else will just do the work." "Your dreams will never come true." "God doesn't care about your desires." And it went on and on. I started feeling as if I were under a barrage of attack with Satan (the energy that seeks to separate rather than unify), pounding on my brain. The more I tried not to think those thoughts, the worse they got. A clammy, electrified, static-y vibe gripped my body. "Your life is worth nothing. God doesn't care about you. You're nothing!" The thoughts now felt like they were being introduced and like in one of those sci-fi horror movies they were infiltrating my brain. Something other than me settled in and I felt a darkness unlike anything I had ever experienced. I felt as if I had tapped my own pain into a deep well of the world's pain and it was unbearably dark. I was afraid. I couldn't feel God, and I never ever cannot feel God. I felt separate from everything.

The moonlit night was beautiful. The palm trees were blowing in the wind and glistening silver but the darkness that I has stumbled into made me feel as if I were not a part of this reality but some outsider. "End it now," the thoughts went on. "Why don't you just quit now. Go back to heaven. Life sucks." The 2% of me that was still real grappled to maintain a semblance of control over this hell I had tapped into. And before I knew it the darkness that had taken over my mind was calmly thinking of the practicalities of slitting my wrists and ending my life. The thoughts were cold and impersonal. I felt numb, alone, and insignificant. Again, the 2% of my mind that was still mine, intervened.... "GOD, SOS! Help, this isn't me. This isn't true. You love me. I know it. Get me out of here!"

I realized my own whining had somehow tuned my entire being into the cosmic frequency of despondency and archetypal pain. I was experiencing the deepest illusion that any human being could feel - feeling separate from God, separate from life, insignificant, and disconnected from anything that matter. I was in original sin all over again. And I thank GOD, that I have worked hard on myself to know Truth because it was Truth and grace that called me back into the light that night. The world's pain all seemed too real.

As soon as I started to pray, I tuned myself back into the frequencies of love, support, kindness, compassion, truth, and caring. I realized in that moment that I could no longer afford to nurture any sort of negativity. I could no longer pretend to ever be a victim again. I knew that it was a matter of spiritual life and death to stand in the truth of God's love. I went to bed, exhausted, but exalted because I realized finally how easy it is to slide into a mass consciousness that is anything but heaven, and I also realized that right beside that frequency of hell, heaven always existed waiting for me to simply step into it.

I have striven to be impeccable with my thoughts ever since. When something negative creeps in my mind, I command it. "Go now. Go to your room. You are not allowed in." I immediately focus on something loving and positive. When I am tired, I stop everything and rest. When the flu bug tried to get me this past winter, I thanked it, sent it love, and blessed it for reminding me to rest, immediately put the chores aside and slept in all my spare time for two days. As a result, I did not get sick although I have been exposed to many who were. When my dog ate a splintery wooden basting brush, complete with nylon bristles that he stole out of the dishwasher this past Easter, instead of cursing and freaking out, I breathed, centered, and calmly went to the internet to find a cure. (100% cotton balls ripped up, dipped in half and half cream, and then fed to the dog do indeed wrap around sharp objects and escort them out of the furry kids safely - google "cotton ball remedy" !)

It is now a JOY to give, a JOY to love, a JOY to serve, and an absolute non-negotiable necessity to take care of myself. I feel supported not only by the people who do, and have always supported me, but also by the universe and God itself. I've birthed myself into new light. I am happier and more filled with faith than I have ever been in my entire life. The old beliefs had to go first and although they went kicking and screaming they are gone and I feel amazing.

It is the nature and process of our souls to continually shed the old skin, break free of the illusions and emerge into greater light. It is the nature of life itself on this planet to constantly grow and evolve into something more beautiful.

So at those times when you feel you've slid backwards, consider the fact that maybe its inwards. Maybe you're looking your old stuff squarely in the face one final time to at long last say, "God, get this out of me." And then, you find freedom beyond your wildest dreams. If you are in financial fear, look it in the eye and say, "Ok God get this out of me. I want to be rooted in the truth of your abundance." If you find yourself lonely, pray for the ability to take care of yourself and receive inspiration. I am never lonely when I do this. If you find yourself fearing for another, put them back in God's hands where they belong to begin with and pray that you will know if and when God wants you to assist. If you find yourself feeling unworthy, ask God to help you experience his love for you.

These prayers are powerful prayers. They are affirmations of truth in spite of illusion. The darkness may come and go in your life but with prayer, with belief in a greater truth, it has no power over you, your heart, or your outer circumstances. It can only fool you. I am no longer afraid of the dark, either within or outside of me.

I have faced it head on and that gives me the strength to face it in others when they come to me for help. I have embraced my own fears and calmed them and this gives me the courage to stand up and say we don't have to buy into mass consciousness - that we can have an economy of God in our lives; we can have peace in our hearts even when the world is at war; we can love in a world that wants to judge, separate and hate. We can be who we really are intended to be and there is nothing that can stop us from this expression.

Easy? Not always. Rewarding? Heavens yes!

I wish you a week filled with light, truth and the grace of knowing God's love in your life,

Friday, March 21, 2008

Love the angry ones

So many people are experiencing outbursts and upsets as of late. Everything hidden within us is coming up and out. Even mother earth is bursting at her seams as evidenced by the frequency of earthquakes and such going on these days. Growth is in the air. It IS time for a resurrection of our spirits and the death of old illusions as the angels said. It IS time to bring the light within us to the surface. It IS time to choose love - no matter what.

For some reason it has hit me lately how precious and truly how short our lives are, even if we live to be really old. It has hit me how ridiculous and a waste of precious time it is to stay upset for long. Better to fix a situation or move on, choose love or leave. Grow or Go, as the angels say. Choose love. Choose it again and again no matter what. It feels better. This is the blossoming of the soul - to release the sweetness of God's love out into the world without condition.

The reality is we are eternal beings. We come to this school called earth to learn about love. We play these roles for one another that can really hard at times. But in the long run, after we transition, we are thankful for our tough teachers, because they helped us find something deeper within ourselves if we take the lesson to heart. And they help us come to know ourselves as more loving beings if we strive to find the love. If we do our homework, they help us see ourselves as the angels that we truly are.

I know I'm going through a big growth phase lately because people from my past are showing up in either meditaiton or in my life. Its kind of like a mini life review and a completion. It means I'm growing into greater joy and leaving pain behind. I recently did a LOT of work to release old fear and tightness within my body (through prayer, energy work, etc.) because although I do not feel afraid in my mind or emotions, my body still had a tendency to scrunch up when around people I used to find scary. After one particularly intense prayer when I felt huge release and relief, I knew I had finally let something old leave me once and for all. The next day I got an email from a man I had not seen in 18 years. He apologized for sexually harrassing me at work when I was in my young twenties. He had found my website and wanted to make peace. I thanked him, told him truthfully I had let it go along time ago and cried my eyes out with gratitude and relief the love that now flowed once again between our souls. He was a friend before the hurtful behaviors. I'm not talking about feeling warm fuzzies, but rather feeling a respect for the difficult dance we shared and the lessons learned. I was glad for both me and him because it showed that he had grown and found peace, and I had grown and released the old fears.

We are all one human family. We all support one anothers' growth and even the hurtful souls (who are hurting within themselves) are helping us seek out greater love and compassion. They help us acknowledge and finally own that we are worthhy of kindness, and if we dig deep enough, they can also motivate us to find a love and compassion we didn't even know we were capable of feeling.

When Jesus said "Love your enemies" he didn't say you had to like them. Its not ok if people mistreat you or hurt you. You can walk away or create good boundaries at the human level, but LOVE them because they teach you. They teach you that you are capable of greater compassion for yourself. They teach you that you are capable of forgiveness. They help you if you allow for it, look deep within and ask yourself what part of you is in need of healing. They help you find greater love for yourself. And when this life is over you will appreciate the fact that they catalyzed your growth into greater light.

Life is too short to stay angry. If someone has wronged you, let it go. Move one. Make a resolve not to allow that again but let it go. Its time to say no to holding on to anger (ok to feel it, but then do something about it; don't let it fester), and to say YES to love.

Love is, after all, our deepest truth.

Happy Easter, Happy Mayan New Year, Happy Spring,
Happy Full Moon, Happy life!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Surrender to your natural rhythms

It never fails. When I surrender to the moment, the angel messages are so much easier to allow through me. This one hit me before breakfast on Thursday morning. I "accidentally" set the alarm clock an hour early and had more time. I was simply answering emails when it dropped in.

I have really learned, per the angels' teachings, to surrender to the natural rhythms within me. For the last many months I've been resting and resting. I told God that I thought I'd be ready to go back out in the world, this time according to His terms, after mid-Feb. I also told God that I wanted to share his love and inspiration with a lot of people in the world without burning myself out. Well, when I have more info I'll let you know but it appears that in the not too distant future I'm going to be on a radio show with over 3 million listeners :)!!! I am beyond excited. I get to share spiritual information with a lot of people without burning myself out!! I had a chance to be on this show, last minute, last Friday but I had an out of town friend in that I had promised to take out for dinner for her birthday and couldn't cancel on her so I've been told they'll get back to me with new dates. I will let you know soon as I know :) It could be a few months or a few weeks. I'm surrendered and excited.

All of the sudden as well I've had this surge of energy to start finishing projects I've started...thus the new CD, and yet one more book on the drawing board. I have no idea which book will be finished next - I cannot seem to write them in any order. I just go with the one that calls me when I sit to write. Sooner or later one emerges as the passionate project and gets finished. This is how I've cranked out four books and numerous CDs in the last few years. Sure it is a lot of work, but as I live according to my own rhythms, its happy work and doesn't feel like struggle.

I know we all have schedules. I have schedules where I see new people every hour several days of the week. There's not much room to give during those times, but it is in my unscheduled time that I allow the rhythms of my heart to surface. If the housecleaning doesn't get done on its usual day because I need rest, I rest. If all of the sudden I feel like doing a project when I had planned to do something else I change gears. My friends have gotten used to me being 'flaky' Ann and not always being able to schedule things till last minute, and the ones that need more rigid schedules have dropped away for the most part because we simply want different things.

This isn't the only way to live, nor the right way, but it is a way that makes life very carefree and guided because in a way, I've given my life and heart over to God and said, "Hey you drive!! I trust you'll get us where we want to go!" and sure enough, my life takes more wonderful turns than I could have planned on my own.

We are individuals and yet we are part of something so much greater - the entirety of God and his creation. And being made in his image and likeness, we are each perfect buds of expression waiting to bloom. Like the bee in the picture above, the more we allow ourselvse to BE who we really are, the more beautiful sweetness we find in life.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

I was just about to go to bed on Wednesday night when the urge to run to the computer hit me and the angel message poured out. I love it when I can listen to that movement! The newsletter is so much easier to channel when I do. And when I don't, its a big struggle.

I've been really dancing with this issue as of late. I've been loving my life, relaxing, reading, and talking with God and my angels in my spare time. Although I have nearly ten books and several CDs started on my computer I have not been at all motivated to work on any of them! Instead I've been taking care of my body and refilling my soul. That was fine for two months and then all of the sudden old patterns hit... "Should I be producing something? Am I ever going to be inspired to teach or write again? Is God really wanting me out in the world and what should I do about it." The answer always is very loud. "RELAX!" Its been a theme for a lot of lightworkers lately too! Being human I go to my angel cards and pick a few... NATURE, PLAY, HONOR YOUR TRUTH... I get it. I'm supposed to be relaxing now before the next wave of activity hits. Never fails. I relaxed for a long time before "Love is the River" poured out of me. I relaxed again for a long time before releasing "Whispers of the Spirit." I can't wait to see what comes next. I started getting hints for one of the books I'm working on and got inspired for a little while tonight. We shall see what God wants from me, but for now it is to take care of myself and tune, exercise, and stretch my body to more gracefully receive the higher frequencies.

The wonderful part of all this is that I'm feeling everything even more deeply. The psychic stuff is coming in stronger. I feel the earth in fact as if she were my own body. Speaking of which, pray that she releases the pressure building up within her gracefully and gradually. There's a whole lot of movement deep within her, and I think we can all help release the pressure by making sure we don't blow up when we get irritated, and that we release our stresses and pressures with relaxation... oh, ok, as I type this I realize why the angels want me to sit still!! Earth needs our holographic support to keep from having her stresses build up to the point of sudden movement and change. She would rather do her changes more gracefully too but she is a reflection of our collective soul and we have to be kinder to ourselves as well.

That said, have a very beautiful week. I'm going to take some time to get outdoors again this weekend as I did last Saturday and enjoy the beautiful carpet of wildflowers in the desert while they last; it usually isn't long. There is such beauty in each moment. As the poet Robert Herrick says:

Gather ye roses while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying;
A world where beauty fleets away
Is no world for denying.
Come lads and lasses, fall to play
Lose no more time in sighing

Have a blessed week,